The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
did i walk over a car last night?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
