It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
