It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
