dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
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The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
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I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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