sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
