ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
