turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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