Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
