Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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