I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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