I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
