Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
