i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
