So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
