I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
