trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
