I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
