people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
