ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
