Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
