I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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