i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
