i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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