I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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