Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
