so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism