So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.