Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.