I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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