I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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