Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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