I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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