you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
