I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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