Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
