How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
