i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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