i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
