how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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