i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
