we have officially lost it.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
