yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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