A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
