i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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