drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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