I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
