those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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