We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
