my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
