oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
