yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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