I can text with my tongue
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
