Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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