Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
