My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
