She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
