he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
