Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
