So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
