there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
