the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
