Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
