My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
