I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
