considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
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