whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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